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There is a common misconception that children with autism have a significantly lower ability to feel certain emotions or that they lack the ability to “feel” at all. Now, anyone that has been reading some of the previous information on Circle Care’s blog knows for certain that the exact opposite is true. In many cases, children and adults with autism feel a heightened sense of emotion; they just lack the ability to express it properly.
Do Children with Autism Feel Jealousy?
Jealousy is something that children with autism are very capable of feeling. However, to the outside world, it may not look like the same package of emotions that most of us recognize as jealousy. Typically, jealousy can come in the form of indifference, frustration, a little anger, and a wide range of facial expressions and commentary. Just think of toddlers who want mommy to put the new baby down and carry them instead. They tug and pull on mommy, maybe even tug and pull on the baby, they might cry out, squeeze and grunt, pinch, or say things like “my mommy!”.
A child with autism can feel the same jealousy, yet he/she may fail to express it at all and simply isolate him/herself, or go to the extreme opposite end of the spectrum and have an enormous meltdown.
It is important to understand that this emotion is present in children and adults with ASDs, and it is worth taking some time to observe your child or loved ones who have autism to identify some of the cues that portray jealousy is at work in them. If you can identify the signs of jealousy, you will be able to reach out to them and help them through the emotion.
Is Jealousy Common in Children or Adults with Autism?
Whether jealousy is common in autism carries the same answer as if one were to ask if jealousy is common in children or adults. It varies from person to person, and it depends on their personality traits and their dynamics with friends and family.
If a child is an only child and has no sibling competition, then jealousy is probably pretty infrequent. An only child has total access to parents without interruption from another child.
His/her only true competition might be mom when he/she is trying to get dad’s attention and dad when he/she is trying to get mom’s attention. Makes sense, right? It is not unusual for adults to have memories of trying to squeeze in between mom and dad and break up a hug and grab one for themselves from the preferred parent at that moment.
An only child might show a little more jealousy if other children visit and play with their belongings or steal away the attention of their own mother or father. Maybe auntie is visiting and she brings her toddler and her baby, and it causes the adults to fuss over the “intruders”. This might bring out some resentment or confusion in a child with autism and there are many ways that these feelings can manifest.
A child with autism who has many siblings could potentially feel just as jealous or threatened by the surrounding competition, and yet this child may respond much differently. He/she could overlook something his/her sibling is doing (playing with one of their toys or keeping mom’s attention) or he/she could swing right over to the other side of the emotional fence and tantrum. Just like anyone else, jealousy creeps in unexpectedly, and it is dependent on many of the same factors that affect everyone else.
What Causes Jealousy in Children and Adults with Autism?
Being human is what causes jealousy in children and adults with autism. The causes of jealousy in someone who has autism are really no different than the causes for any typically developing child or adult who has autism. The most observable difference between those with autism and those without autism is how it is expressed.
People with autism can express emotion without ever being aware of the fact that they are expressing it. The people who immediately surround the child or adult with autism are the first to notice the emotional changes.
There are a few factors that immediate friends, family, and teachers can look out for which might indicate when a child with autism is feeling jealous.
Mood
It is especially helpful to watch for any mood changes in a child with autism- specifically the nonverbal children with autism. If your child is playing happily with you, and then his/her younger sibling wakes up from a nap and calls your attention away thereby causing this previously happy child to retreat to another room in silence- you know there has been a change. The child may not say, “I’m feeling angry because that baby interrupted us.” But, the child is making it evident by isolating and pouting in silence that there is an emotional response.
Nutrition
If your child’s eating habits have changed, it could be that the child is affected by his/her moods caused by an emotionally upsetting set of circumstances. It is wise to make a mental note of any changes like this and try to trace the change back to an event if possible. It is also a good idea to take note of any food preferences and differences between siblings in the family. Maybe something that a sibling is eating for dinner was a food item that he/she previously disliked, but now he/she would like to try it “like big sister or brother”- but he/she can’t express this verbally. The only way to express this without words would be to act out.
Sleep
When a child is emotionally distraught, sleep disturbances might become an issue. If your child is jealous of your spouse, he/she might try to stay up later because he/she may feel upset about mom and dad spending alone time together after he/she goes to bed. This might lead to the child getting up repeatedly, asking for water, asking to use the bathroom, or crying about being alone in bed when a parent tries to leave. It is especially difficult when a child has an older sibling who is allowed to stay up later while he/she is required to get to bed much earlier.
Social/Emotional Instruction (sharing, exchange, expressing)
Jealousy is most obvious in social settings where a child is expected to be kind, share, trade toys, or speak nicely to other children. If another child has a toy or a snack that he/she likes and he/she can’t have it, the child might act out in response to those feelings. If another child sees parents pushing their child on the swing, but you prefer to sit and chat with other parents at the park instead of pushing your child on the swing- the potential for a tantrum from your child is very likely.
Stimming
This is another indicator of high emotion or a need for the release of anxiety. If a child is upset (jealous) and can’t verbally express it, he/she may engage in repetitive behaviors called stimming such as rocking, pacing, flapping, shaking the head, noise-making, tapping, spinning, or any variety of repetitive movements or vocalizations that make him/her feel better about his/her emotional state. When you observe this in a child with autism, it is always a good idea to try and interrupt the behaviors by offering something that you think he/she might like or giving him/her some attention to distract him/her from the repetitive movements. It could be that he/she just wanted attention from you or a sibling.
People with autism can express emotion without ever being aware of the fact that they are expressing it. The people who immediately surround the child or adult with autism are the first to notice the emotional changes.
There are a few factors that immediate friends, family, and teachers can look out for which might indicate when a child with autism is feeling jealous.
Do Kids With Autism Play with Their Siblings?
Children with autism do play with their siblings. However, it is usually on their terms. Many siblings of children with autism struggle to find ways to keep their autistic siblings engaged in activities that they both enjoy.
Children with autism can be easily distracted, fail to understand the rules completely, or become bored easily and refuse to play along. Imaginative play is also difficult for children with autism and this can cause a lot of frustration on both ends of the equation with the typically developing sibling feeling upset about the role-play being broken and the autistic child feeling frustrated by the demands of the typically developing sibling.
Do Autistic Children Get Jealous of Siblings?
If a child with autism has difficulty playing with a typically developing sibling, it is inevitable that the typically developing sibling will seek out other willing participants for imaginary play, sports, or whatever type of activity that they wanted to play but couldn’t with their autistic sibling.
This can spark some jealousy from the sibling with autism because they are now a spectator to something that they didn’t understand and became frustrated with. Even if they try to join in, the motive might be to claim their playmate back and not necessarily to join in and learn the rules of the game.
How Does Autism Affect Family Members?
When someone in the family has autism, everyone is affected. Mom and Dad have a full-time job juggling all of the various responsibilities that accompany a child with autism, typically developing siblings have to learn to be patient with the sibling who has autism, social events have to be skipped, shortened, or modified to accommodate the child with autism, and family events can be stressful with everyone’s opinions and judgments on something that they don’t understand and live with on a daily basis.
Jealousy is a natural part of all of this. Mom is jealous of other moms who have more freedom- Dad feels the same about other dads. Siblings are vying for attention- they want to be the center of the conversation just like their autistic siblings. Most of all, the child with autism is very likely struggling with feelings that he/she cannot express and the feelings of frustration can grow rapidly.
If you have a child with autism and you and your family are struggling with social and emotional issues at home, we can help. Circle Care Services is an ABA agency in New Jersey that serves families like yours. We offer social and emotional skills training, behavioral therapy, and support to families who live with autism every day. If you’re looking for help with your child, Circle Care Services offers the highest quality support. Call us today to find out more about what we can do for you.
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